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7 Random Things You Won’t Believe Are Shortening Your Life

By on April 11, 2012

7 Random Things You Won’t Believe Are Shortening Your Life

#7. Starting School Early Gives Kids a Head Start (On Death)

Starting kids in school as early as possible sounds like a great idea for a number of reasons: it works their brain muscles at a crucial point in development when they’re rapidly learning, teaches them to socialize with other kids and, most importantly, gets the little bastards the hell out of the house for a few hours.

They might complain about getting up early and doing homework, but they’ll thank us when they’re older … or if they’re older. We say that because an extensive 90-year study found that kids who start school really early live shorter lives.

Researchers think the fact that kids are developing so fast at that age is exactly why it’s a terrible idea to start them too early. There’s a huge difference between 5- and 6-year-olds; on average, 6-year-olds are going to be much bigger, and 5-year-olds much less socially advanced. Throw them into the same classroom and they’re going to find it hard to relate to each other in a way that doesn’t involve the taking or giving of wedgies.

#6. Being the Oldest Child Means Dying the Youngest

There are several disadvantages to being the youngest son: You are clothed with everyone else’s hand-me-downs, you get less attention than your brothers got when they were your age and you live in a house where practically everyone else can kick your ass. But as your brothers rub their saliva-soaked fingers in your ears and punch you in the shoulder, one thing you can always hang over their heads is that you’re less likely to get cancer of the balls. A recent study concluded that older sons have a much higher risk of getting testicular cancer than their younger brothers.

The study analyzed over a million men in the Danish Cancer Registry and found that later-born sons were 20 percent less likely to get this type of cancer than most people, as opposed to firstborn sons, who have a 25 percent higher chance of having their balls attacked by the big C than their brothers. Other factors didn’t seem to make a difference, so apparently this is something that’s settled in the womb.

#5. The Bigger Your Butt, the Longer Your Life

A recent study found that if a woman has a “pear-shaped” physique, then she has less of a chance of suffering from metabolic and heart diseases. It’s not just a matter of buying a crate of Fritos and sitting on your ever-expanding ass for a week; rather, it’s about having a genetic predisposition to grow fat on your butt and thighs instead of your stomach and other places.

Oxford’s Dr. Konstantinos Manolopoulos studied the properties of the type of fat stored in large posteriors. Manolopoulos (Greek for “cannot lie”) discovered that this specific type of fat is better at permanently absorbing fatty acids, keeping them away from your arteries and lowering the chances of them getting clogged. What this adds up to is that women with “the big butt gene” are less likely to die from heart attacks.

#4. Frequent Flyer Miles Earn You a Trip to an Early Grave

Rich people generally have it made when it comes to life expectancy. You need a six-figure budget if you want to shop at one of those earthy grocery chains that sells nonprocessed fresh food. Those of us on more modest budgets are just thankful Taco Bell now comes wrapped in a big Dorito, since it allows us to hit the two most affordable foods for the price of one. And it probably can’t hurt that rich people get to spend weeks decompressing on tropical vacations while we get to vacation at the least polluted body of water within driving distance.

Actually, vacations are one way the 99 percent get to cosmically even the score with the rich guys jet-setting around the globe. It turns out that if you’re a frequent enough flyer, your jaunts to the tropics come with the benefit of large doses of radiation.

#3. Being Higher Means Living Longer

One of the disadvantages of living at higher altitudes is that there’s less oxygen in the air, which can suck for those with respiratory problems. One of the advantages of those places, however, is that … there’s less oxygen in the air. A lack of oxygen makes people’s bodies more efficient, which makes them live longer. In a four-year study, researchers from several institutions analyzed death certificates from every county in the U.S. and realized that most of the top 20 counties with the highest life expectancy happened to be in Utah and Colorado, two of the three highest states in the nation. Compared to those living near sea level, the people in those counties live up to 3.6 years longer for men and up to 2.5 years longer for women.

#2. Churches Are Full of Old People Because Those People Are Highlanders

Believe it or not, there’s a town in California called Loma Linda where a significant chunk of the population lives five to 10 years longer than everyone else. The catch: They are all Seventh-Day Adventists. So it’s probably like Woody Allen said: “You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”

After all, Adventists tend to not drink or smoke and generally live healthier lifestyles, so that probably explains it, right? Nope: Even Loma Linda Adventists who half-ass it and partake in all the things that should kill them still get extra longevity, and science isn’t sure why. It happens with people of other religions, too: A study in Colorado found that people who go to church regularly live around seven years longer than those who don’t. Considering what we just told you about living in Colorado, if the people in that study also have giant butts, they’re practically immortal.

#1. Retiring to a Life of Carefree Luxury Is a Death Sentence

For a lot of people reading this right now, the only point of having a job is saving up enough money so that eventually you’ll be able to afford not having a job. Maybe you picture yourself retiring in your 50s or earlier and spending the rest of your days chilling on your couch, not worrying about a thing. Unfortunately, doing that can kill you. Apparently, as soon as people decide to stop being useful, so do their bodies.

Studies show that people who retire later in life have better life expectancies than those who retire early. Even discounting the people who retired because of health problems and died soon after, the results still held up. While lounging around and doing nothing probably ensures you won’t die from stress-related health problems, there is such a thing as too much rest and relaxation — without goals or bosses to torment you, your body and mind lull into a stupor and slowly shut themselves down.