(Unless someone gets a green light for John F. Kennedy: Disco Dancer, or Barrack Obama: Stamp Collector.)
So, umm, what if Abraham Lincoln – the whiskery, black-hatted fellow who lived at the White House in the 1860s – had a secret life as a butcherer of bloodsuckers?
The answer eventually supplied is even less interesting than the question itself.
Back when Honest Abe was but a lad, his mum had her veins drained by a vampirical slave trader.
Once he is old enough to make good on his oath of vengeance, Abraham (played by a charisma-challenged chap named Benjamin Walker, who looks a lot like a young and nervous Liam Neeson) goes undercover as a clerk at a general store.
Every once in a while, a seasoned tracker of vampires (Dominic Cooper) sends Abe a note telling him there is a fanged menace nearby.
Abe then gets out his silver-tipped axe, and goes hunting for whomever he must next hack to bits.
Between grotesque gigs, Abraham also finds the time to build a promising career in politics, and win the hand in marriage of the best-looking babe in town (Mary Elizabeth Winstead). The whole experience is a dull slog, in no way helped by the fact the all-important action sequences occur inside the digitised fog of some very murky 3D visuals.
It also dawns on you after a while that the villainous vampires of this tale (led by a well-cast Rufus Sewell) are much more fun to be around than the staid Mr Lincoln and his goody-two-shoes posse.
The shoddy result for Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter comes as something of a surprise, considering it was directed by the very talented filmmaker Timur Bekmambetov (the Russian dude who burst to prominence with the great Night Watch in 2004).
Just what it was that got Bekmambetov enthused by this tale (based on the novel by Seth Grahame-Smith) is never made clear. He tries every trick he knows – the bullet-time slow-down in periods of complete chaos is clearly his fave MO – but nothing works.
– Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
- Director: Timur Bekmambetov (Wanted)
- Starring: Benjamin Walker (above), Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Rufus Sewell, Dominic Cooper
– It bites, it sucks, and it just wont die